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My lists

May 22, 2009

Last night I was driving over the Midbay Bridge and looking across the water at the incredible sunset.  The sky, water, and horizon were all a giant smear of blue, pink, and purple, with towering rain clouds building in some areas.  “Gosh”, I thought, “God really does great work.”

But then today I was thinking about how I wish I could tweak my own design a bit.  For instance:

-I wish I wasn’t so fair-skinned.  I can burn through SPF 45 in about half an hour.  When the others go out to bask or play, I have to hug the shade.

-I wish I wasn’t such an introvert.  Mostly I’ve come to peace with it, but I’m a lousy conversationalist and it’s really hard to make friends when you are perpetually uncomfortable in crowds.  Or small groups.  Or just about any social interactions with people you don’t know well.  Or even ones you do.

-I wish I could multi-task.  And so do most of the folks who have to be around me, too.  It’s bad, people.

-I wish I was ambitious and self-motivating.  On occasion I am, but if I just take some tylenol and lie down for a bit it usually passes.

-I wish my singing voice wasn’t shot.  I really miss singing.  I was never great, but I wasn’t horrible, either, and I was really good at harmonies.  Bouts of allergies, coughing, and laryngitis took care of all that. 

I could go on.  My list of things I wish I could change about me is always present and evolving.  And really, if you look at the stuff I listed, these aren’t deep, terrible flaws.  They are simply characteristics.  It’s how I’m designed and wired (with the exception of the singing one).  I only have marginal power, if any, to change these things.  God made me this way on purpose.  This was His idea of  “fearfully and wonderfully made” for me (Psalm 139).  It’s pretty arrogant to criticize it just because it’s inconvenient or unfashionable.  But I find myself doing it regularly anyway.

I do have another list.  It has things on it I really could and should change, if only the earth suit weren’t so loud and demanding about getting its way.  That thing requires constant crucifixion, and let’s face it– some days I’d rather just watch game shows and eat bon bons.  This is a far uglier list, and though my default setting is to be every bad thing that’s on that list and more, I am no longer a slave to my default setting.  That’s a marvelous thing, but not always so easy to get my head around.  Especially if the earth suit is screaming for more bon bons and wanting to know if we can watch Maury Povich now.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what’s on that second list, well…help me get past that introvert thing until I can talk to you face to face without breaking out in hives, and my life is an open book. :)

3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 23, 2009 9:08 am

    You’re an introvert?!

    • May 23, 2009 11:12 am

      To the max. People think that because I can do stage work that I must be outgoing. Or because I can write my conversations without any problem. I’m definitely not shy. But put me in a situation where I need to be social, and I usually totally suck. Once I get comfortable and there’s an established relationship in that comfort, most folks can’t even remember there was a time I wasn’t a reasonably fun dork. But prior to fun dork…I’m just dork.

  2. Tonya permalink
    May 26, 2009 2:15 pm

    One thing that I have learned about you, Lisa, is when you get ready to say something you will. It has always been worth the wait.

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