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Day 3

April 23, 2010
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My senior year at Ohio State I lived alone in an apartment south of campus in Victorian Village.  It was a tiny efficiency apartment with a kitchen, a bathroom, and a room that doubled as my bedroom and a living area.  It didn’t have any air conditioning, so I had a box fan in the window, and the head of my bed was shoved into the narrow space between the window and the corner.

One night I came home from a busy evening and got ready for bed.  I climbed in the covers and took off my very thick glasses, as these were the days pre-lasik.  I couldn’t see a thing without those glasses, but hey, it’s night and I’m going to sleep, so what do I need to see?

No sooner had my head hit the pillow than I heard an odd sound.  It seemed to be coming from the window area.  It wasn’t hot enough to turn the fan on, so it wasn’t mechanical.  I raised my head up and the sound stopped.  Maybe I was imagining it.  I put my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes.  After a couple of minutes, I heard the sound again.  Scritch, scritch… I raised my head up again and once again, the sound stopped immediately.  Weird.  I waited but the sound didn’t come back.  I put my head back on my pillow.  A minute later the sound happened again, this time louder and very near my  head.  I jerked to a sitting position and whatever was making that sound not only kept making it, it got louder and more frantic, and as I grabbed my glasses to hightail it out of the room, the mystery sound began to fly.

I ran into the next room (all of five feet away), screaming the whole way.  Or attempting to scream, I should say.  Because while in my heart I was screaming at the top of my lungs, what was coming out was a hoarse, raspy, whispered “HHHHNNNHHAAAAA!!!!  HHHHHNNNNNNAAAHHHAHAAA!!!”  Good grief, if someone was in the bathroom (another five feet away) they wouldn’t have been able to hear that!  I flipped on the light in the kitchen and turned to look back at the dark room I just escaped.  There in the dim light pouring in from kitchen I saw A BAT circling the room erratically, and I could hear it making its high-pitched noises.

“HHHNNNNHHHAAA!!!  HHHHHHNNNNNNNNAAAANNNAAAHHA!!!”  I wheezed.  The mere sight of the flying rat renewed my determination to let the entire city of Columbus, Ohio know that I was in mortal danger.  “HHHNNNHHAAAHHHAAA!!!”

I grabbed the phone book.  I didn’t care what time it was, my landlord was getting a call to come get this thing OUT of my apartment NOW NOW NOW HHHNNNHHAA!!!  I frantically searched for his phone number, trying to keep an eye on the bat circling in the other room.

I was in the vicinity of the alphabet where I would find his name when the bat decided to come into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about.  I dropped the phone book.  I dropped the phone.  I grabbed my broom and began swinging wildly at the intruder, wheezing out “screams” the entire time.  I was in full panic mode.  That thing probably had rabies!  Bubonic Plague!  Jungle Fever!  Well…it probably had something!

We danced in my kitchen for a little while, me and my bat.  I sang “HHHNNNHHAAA!!!  HHHHHNNNNAAHHHAAHAHA!!!” and it squeaked “eeeeeee! eeeee!” while I swatted at it with the broom.  And then at some point, I actually hit it.

It fell to the floor and I continued wheezing at it while I bludgeoned it senseless with the broom.  Senseless was too good for it, though, so I kept on bludgeoning the thing until it was unmistakably dead, rasping out a HHHNNNHHAAA! with each blow.  After it was dead I screamed a few more times just for good measure (after all, it’s not like I was disturbing anyone) and then I was stuck trying to figure out what to do with this dead bat.

I got a grocery bag and I opened it up and laid it beside the bat.  Using the broom, I pushed at the bat until I managed to get it into the bag.  I let out a few “HHNNHHAAA!s” as I did so.  I then quickly folded the top of the bag down and put the bag out in the stairwell, and then ran in and locked the door behind me.

I learned two things that night:  1. Bats can get into my apartment, and 2. If an ax murderer ever broke into my apartment with intent to harm, later everyone would say they didn’t even hear any screaming.

I don’t think I slept a wink for the rest of the night.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kellie permalink
    April 23, 2010 1:51 pm

    THAT type of screaming has always been part of my nightmares! I was just talking to Jack about that 2 days ago… mostly, because that’s what my upper registers SOUND like right now! Stupid sleestaks!

  2. Lisa Buchman permalink
    April 23, 2010 3:19 pm

    LOL-The visual is fantastic! : ) Thanks for the giggle!

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