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The Bog of Eternal Stench

June 19, 2010

In the 1986 movie Labyrinth there is a scene where Goblin King Jareth threatens Hoggle with a dunk in the Bog of Eternal Stench.  Sarah, the protagonist of the movie, asks Hoggle what’s so terrible about that.

Hoggle: And you wouldn’t be so brave if you’d ever smelled the Bog of Eternal Stench. It’s, it’s…
Sarah: Is that all it does, is smell?
Hoggle: Oh, believe me, that’s enough! But the worst thing is, if you so much as set a foot in the Bog of Stench, you’ll smell bad for the rest of your life. It’ll never wash off.

I think I know what was in the Bog of Eternal Stench.  See, it went like this…

We were literally at the point of sitting down to the table for dinner tonight.  Mr. Sparky asked if we had any sparkling water, and I opened the cabinet to see. I had to get down on my hands and knees and root around through the bottom shelf.  That is when it hit me: a truly horrible smell reached out and smacked me in the face.  It smelled like someone crawled in there and took a dump.  Seriously.  It smelled like poop.

Ok, I thought, this is a no-brainer.  There’s got to be a potato going bad in here.

I began to rummage through the pile of bags of red potatoes, baby red potatoes, baking potatoes, and Yukon Gold potatoes.  Honestly, it’s not that we eat that many potatoes.  It’s just that we’re specific about what variety of potatoes goes in what dish.  I noted that as I moved the bags the smell got a lot stronger.  And then I found it.  Or at least I thought I found it.  The bag of potatoes sitting in the putrid potato goo wasn’t the actual villain in this tale.  It was the bag of potatoes on TOP of the bag that was sitting in the goo, and it had managed to drip on every other bag in the entire shelf.  I picked it up to toss it into the trash can.  And that is when I discovered that it was a leaking bag of putrid potato goo.   Not just a dripping leak, but a pouring leak.  And it laid a stream from the cabinet all the way to the trash.

By now the entire kitchen and dining area smelled like an outhouse.

I kept picking up bags of potatoes, hoping there was a bag that hadn’t been contaminated.  Nope.  That nasty bag of decomposing tubers crapped all over my cabinet.  I had to throw out all the potatoes and a bag of dried red beans.  I didn’t want to take any chances that any of the liquid on the outside of the bag had oozed inside and was re-hydrating the beans with gag juice.

I got everything thrown out.  I cleaned up the floor. I cleaned up the cabinet.  I washed my hands.  I sat down to a plate of grilled smoked chicken, fresh corn on the cob, and deviled eggs.  And that is when I realized…

My hands still smelled bad.  And I had a plate full of food that was about to be eaten with my hands.

Ok, well, we had been about out of soap and so I’d not used a huge squirt of it. Maybe I just needed more.  I got out a new bottle of handsoap and lathered up good.  I scrubbed vigorously and rinsed thoroughly.  I dried my hands and sat back down and prepared to eat.

Nope.  They still stunk.

I got up and washed them again.  They still smelled bad.  I got a lemon wedge out of the fridge and rubbed them down good.  Then more soap, more scrubbing, more water.

Still stinky.

I rubbed more juice on my hands and this time I didn’t rinse it off.  My food was getting cold, dagnabit!  I tried not to breathe through my nose when my hands were near it, but every now and then I got a whiff of putrescent potato goo anyway.  NASTY.

After dinner I went out to the garage and got a bottle of Odo-Ban.  Odo-Ban is this stuff they sell by the 55 gallon drum at Sam’s Club.  It’s supposed to kill the stink of anything.  I don’t like the smell of Odo-Ban much, mostly because once upon a time we had a cat that took to peeing outside the litter box, and I was using Odo-Ban to clean it up.  After a while I realized that I couldn’t really distinguish between Odo-Ban and cat pee anymore.  They had melded together in my nostrils.  This is why I don’t like the smell of the Destin Community Center.  I can tell they clean with Odo-Ban, and it reminds me of cat pee.  At least…I hope they clean with Odo-Ban.  But I digress.

I sprayed my hands with the Odo-Ban  and began to rub.  Surely this would do it!  I’d gladly have cat pee hands in order to get rid of that rotten potato barf juice.  I rubbed and scrubbed and let it sit for a few minutes, and then I washed again with the soap, which is antibacterial, by the way.

And they still smelled like I’d been using poop to make sculptures.  Poop and cat pee.

Since the dinner hour I’ve washed my hands several more times.  I don’t know why I bother.  I have obviously had an encounter with the Bog of Eternal Stench.  I have faint hope that when I shampoo in the morning, the smell will finally be gone.  I really hope I don’t end up with poop juice hair instead.

I have no idea how something so vile and disgusting could lurk in our cabinet undetected.  Those potatoes obviously didn’t rot overnight.  But then again, it wasn’t until I started moving the bags around that the smell became really overpowering, and I’d not really rummaged in that cabinet for a few days.

I really hope I don’t smell bad forever.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Kellie permalink
    June 20, 2010 7:14 am

    Ick! Ick! Ick! Hope the smell is GONE today! Sounds like a prayer request; otherwise, the hands in prayer mode would not seem near to pleasant… Doesn’t tomato juice work for skunks? (oh, and btw, I do know that HORRIBLE rotten, leaky potato smell! Yucky! Yucky! Yucky!)

  2. June 20, 2010 11:22 am

    Hahaha….ROFLMAO….I’m really sorry to laugh at your pain! But this story is hilarious…probably because I’ve been there! I don’t think there is anything worse than the smell of rotten potatoes! It smells a bit like death….

    But, the way you tell it and after all your efforts to make the smell go away you end up smelling like poop and cat pee! Too funny! I’m sorry!

    I hope you are now smelling like fresh roses, or whatever flower you desire, rather than poop and cat pee :D

  3. June 24, 2010 4:30 pm

    Missing Lisa! I’m waiting for a new blog, but haven’t seen one in like a week or so … where ya be Lisa!?

    • June 24, 2010 8:30 pm

      Hey, it’s only been five days! I’ve been dealing with stinky bogs of other types, which leave me a bit drained in the creative department. But I’ll get back to it very soon, don’t worry!

      • June 29, 2010 12:07 am

        Yeah, I know, it hasn’t been that long…but none-the-less…I’ve missed ya! :)

  4. Peyton-Leigh permalink
    July 28, 2010 10:26 pm

    I was laughing so hard I was crying!! Here is how I found your blog: I put in a search for “stinky rotten potato juice” and yours popped up!! Thankfully, I didn’t get it on my hands (although some did drip on my foot–ick!) but it dripped on my kitchen floor and counter. I have scrubbed soooo many times and the smell is still there!! I was doubly annoyed since I bought the potatoes on Sunday and this happened two days later. Anyway, it was our bond in rotten potato barf juice that brought us together. :D I hope the hands are doing better a month later!!

    • July 28, 2010 10:39 pm

      Oh gosh…I am SO sorry you are having to endure the stinky stanky stench! Washing your hair will help get the stink off your hands. The shampoo and the hair will give your fingers a good scrub down. But I think it just has to wear off the rest of the house! I forget what all I tried. Pretty much everything in my cleaning cupboard, I think. Nasty! I’ll probably have nightmares just from thinking about it again!

  5. jamie permalink
    February 10, 2014 8:29 pm

    LOL! Absolutely hilarious story! I hope the smell went away eventually!

  6. jamie permalink
    February 10, 2014 8:36 pm

    LOL! Absolutely hilarious story! I hope the smell went away eventually! Do tell us what kind of potatoes those were so we can never get them! Yuk!

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