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Monkey in the middle

September 20, 2011

Today my Facebook news feed is a stark reminder that time marches on and life just keeps on going.

-A wedding anniversary is celebrated.
-A new album is listened to for the first time.
-A dishwasher is repaired.
-A new pregnancy is announced.
-Mexican food for dinner.
-A grandchild is born.
-Someone is feeling sick.
-High score in Bejeweled Blitz.
-New classes at college.
-Ball game won.
-Husband working late.
-Church tonight.
-A mama/grandmama dies.
-Bored at work.

All these lives intersect in one way: me.  Most of the people who posted those things don’t know one another.  But they all know me.  I am the common denominator.

It’s a strange thought and an even stranger feeling.  What does it mean?  Does it mean anything?  Am I a participant in these lives or a spectator?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a participant or a spectator in my own life.  How’s that for a true confession?

I ate dinner alone tonight because I wasn’t home and I couldn’t think of anyone to ask to join me who wasn’t already busy with their family.  Then I went to an evening gathering that consisted of a mix of people I am acquainted with (and like) and people I don’t know at all, but none that I know well enough to go plop myself down and invite myself into their space.  So I sat alone.  I mostly don’t mind sitting alone because I am an introvert and there’s plenty to keep me busy in my own head, but sometimes I really do mind it because alone feels lonely instead of just alone.  Tonight it felt rather lonely.  I tried to ignore that, though.

It struck me on the way home that when people really get to know me and I finally relax into the relationship, they forget that introvert thing and will even argue with me that I’m not an introvert at all.  Maybe that comes from the change in me when I know that I’m in that secure place of knowing and being known.  That’s never been an easy place for me to find, though.  And I admit that I have a mixture of admiration and envy for those who do it easily.  It’s not that I have a desire to be someone I’m not.  I still want to be me…but just more like that.

Tonight, from here in my computer chair, I am still the center of a Facebook wheel.  And with those friends I rejoice, commiserate, discuss, congratulate, and mourn.  It is my participation, at least for this moment.  But as I offer it, I notice there’s nobody in the room but me and the dog.

And it’s still a strange thought and a stranger feeling.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. September 20, 2011 11:47 pm

    All I know is “I’m glad you’re in my life!”

  2. September 20, 2011 11:48 pm

    From my solitary spot on the West Coast, I hear you. Even the dogs have gone to cuddle with my favorite tween for the night.

  3. September 21, 2011 6:23 am

    I count myself among the blessed to know the introverted Lisa Tuttle who was extroverted enough to speak into my life words of encouragement from the One who always keeps you company!!

  4. September 21, 2011 7:54 am

    I hear you too….I have felt this way a lot over the past few years…life does march on and sometimes feels like it’s leaving you behind. But you an introvert? No way! :) and I’m super glad you’re in my life too!

  5. September 21, 2011 8:09 am

    I ate dinner alone too. In my car, reading a book, waiting patiently for a phone call from hubby that never came. He had a good excuse, he was on the phone with his brother. I, like Sandy, am really glad you’re part of my “wheel”!!

  6. Kellie permalink
    September 21, 2011 9:26 am

    It’s an interesting concept, and observation, Sparky. I’m not sure what it means either, but it’s interesting…

  7. September 21, 2011 3:59 pm

    Ray says the same thing about me–he forgets I’m shy until I’m around friends of his I don’t know or a group neither of us knows…then I’m definitely a wallflower! :)

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