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Staredown with the screen

May 8, 2012

I’m doing a lot of staring at a blank screen these days.

Sometimes it’s because I don’t sit down to the computer until so late in the day that my brain is fried and I don’t really have the energy to write.  But other times that’s not the case at all.  Other times…I’m just stuck.  Most times, really.  I don’t know what to write.  I don’t know what anyone would want to read.  Nothing sounds interesting.  And I don’t want to bore myself or anyone who actually reads this stuff.

I wonder if someone turned off my brain, or at least my creativity.  Writing feels a bit like trying to knock down a stone wall by throwing marshmallows at it.  There shouldn’t even be a wall there.  And I’m tired of throwing marshmallows.

The answer isn’t to stop writing, that much I know.  Inertia is a powerful force to overcome, and once you let it take over, take over it does.  But I’m doing a lousy job forcing myself to write interesting things.  Which, of course, makes me feel like a very uninteresting person.  And people who feel uninteresting don’t feel very motivated to write about their uninteresting-ness.

I’ve often been asked when I’m going to write a book.  My answer is usually something along the lines of not having a book’s worth of anything to say, and even if I did, I don’t think anyone would buy it except maybe my mother, and I’m not sure even she would actually read it.  I’m joking, of course, but not totally.  I am yet to be convinced that I have a book’s worth of anything to say.  Shoot, some days I struggle to even compose a paragraph that has enough value or meaning that it’s worth hitting the “post” button.

And here I sit in my sunken computer chair with the blown-out hydraulics, still yammering through my fingertips, still blathering on.  Why don’t I give up?

No, really…why?

I have to admit, sometimes it’s difficult to challenge myself for no apparent reason.  No real goal, no real journey, just a lot of spinning my wheels and doing donuts in the parking lot.  It makes sense to just get out of the vehicle and find something else to do.

Yet here I sit in my sunken computer chair, staring at blank screens.

 

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Tracy permalink
    May 8, 2012 11:08 pm

    I understand a vapid brain. I have got to write things down or I just plain forget. Between the kids, work and everything else, I spend way too much time walking into rooms and saying to myself “why am I here?” Of course as soon as I walk back to where I came from, I remember! Also, I will think of something I need to do while driving. I park the car and say to myself “what did I need to do?” ARGH! Getting old stinks!

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