To be filled
I watched as they rushed forward, desperate to know if God would touch them, heal them, love them with love that could be felt. I watched them as they rushed towards me, because I was one of a line of people there to help them discover the answers to their questions.
Over and over again He answered yes…I will.
And He did. He tangibly touched them, healed them, loved them.
For many years I felt guilty because I wanted to feel God’s love. I believed it, so that should be enough, right?
Except not feeling it kept me in a shame-induced limbo: if I really believed it, I would not need to feel it., and the fact that I needed to feel it only indicated that I was immature and not very spiritual.
This only drove me deeper into a “faith” that fed my brain and not so much my heart. I felt guilty about that, too, because scripture is clear that God is after our hearts.
My head and my heart were at war, and there was no way I could win. In fact, I was about to learn some terrible but valuable lessons about collateral damage.
I am so grateful for the patience of my Daddy. He gently taught me how to live loved as He set to cleaning up the war zone.
There are days I don’t feel much. There are days I feel good things and days I feel bad things. There are days that I have some serious questions about His affinity for the human race.
But I never feel unloved.
Once I gave myself permission to really pursue what my heart needed, He met me in my hunger and need. It was a painful pursuit and still sometimes is when I find myself aching between the now and the not yet. But He is not a liar. He told the truth when He said that those who seek Him will eventually find Him.
He wants to be found…and loved.
It does my heart good to see the level of hunger and pursuit here in Brazil. They come with such hunger and childlike faith that He will really touch them. They are not disappointed.
And as I watch the scene before me unfold, neither am I.