Choking on the moon
I’m always a little hesitant and befuddled when someone says “so…you’re a blogger. What do you blog about?”
How do you sum up the stuff and nonsense of this blog? I haven’t a clue. I usually just say “anything and everything”, but that always seems rather lame and not entirely accurate, although it’s not entirely inaccurate, either.
I write about life with Jesus a lot, because I really like Him a lot. I write about being a decent citizen of this whirling ball of dirt, my battle against squirrels in my attempts at container gardening, my weird pets, my family, and my distaste for cilantro. I write about deep things, I write about fluff and nothing. I write short stories and free verse poetry.
Or at least I have at times.
This post is going to fall under the category of “true confessions”. I haven’t anything truly shocking and terrible to confess, or at least I don’t think I do. I just need to process a bit of my reality and see if getting it outside of my head brings any better clarity.
My reality is that I’m now about eight months into a relentless creative slump.
At times I’ve been able to dredge up bits and pieces of a decent offering. But the flow is a trickle, and it’s a real joy-sucker to have to work so hard to even think of something I want to release. Sometimes I like the end product, sometimes I find it terribly mediocre. I am always very grateful for the comments and “likes” that encourage me that not everyone is experiencing my restless disappointment with the results of my attempts here.
I am particularly disappointed that I’ve become a terrible representative of the benefits of participating in Sparky’s Blog Challenge. I had gotten to the point of sitting in front of my blank computer screen for hours, just trying to figure out what would spark enough creative thought in me that I could produce a reasonable post. After months of that, I finally stopped. And that meant that I was no longer posting daily myself.
I hated that. I still do.
Creative energy is important to me. It’s not just about writing a blog post; it’s about an entire approach to life and thought and belief. Without it, it’s as if someone stole the best and brightest crayons out of the box. I can still color, but without the vibrancy of the full spectrum at my disposal I find the finished page highly unsatisfactory. And it’s a bummer to know I worked really hard to produce that highly unsatisfactory result.
I also strongly believe that God has things for me to do within the realm of creative thought and energy, and that He designed me to release the glory of His kingdom to those who excel in creativity. I’m not sure what that looks like. I just know He has some wild and wonderful things to accomplish through the hearts and hands of His creatives, and we need to be healed and whole and operating at full supernatural creative capacity.
That sounds like a ridiculous thing for someone to say who isn’t even able to muster up a fraction of her natural creative capacity right now. Nevertheless…I’m saying it.
I never know exactly what is going to inspire me in the creative realm. In the past I’ve walked into stores, read books, looked at pictures, watched movies, listened to music…and it’s been like aiming a hose full of kerosene at my small flame, and suddenly I’ve got a raging a fire of new ideas threatening to engulf me. And then there are times like now where I can’t seem to find the sparky sort of stuff that spurs me to a new realm of creative thought and activity. I’m not finding it inside me, and I’m not finding it outside of me.
Somewhere under all the ash there are surely still some embers. But I rarely find them, and I can’t find anything to fuel them out of the ember stage.
I’ve had some wildly wonderful things happen over this past year. It’s not like God hasn’t had things for me to do, or that He hasn’t prospered me in some truly awesome ways. I’m grateful and wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. This throttled-back and choked-up flow of creativity, however, leaves me feeling like a dull and colorless version of myself. I don’t enjoy my own company as much when my internal decor goes all gray-dust-and-rocks like some creative moonscape.
The moon is a nice enough place and all but, well, you know…no atmosphere.